.bittersweet existence.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001 11:19 p.m. fuq fuq fuq a duck.. be do bedo.. im not pissed but i am does that make sense? hahahaha erg erg erg im singing a sing song merrily merily meriy merril.. pitas i screwe up. Wednesday, August 8, 2001 11:30 a.m what the hell am i on... im not sad... y the hell should i be... the only reason i should be sad is da thing incredibly thankful and happy.. and u kno what fuq it.. im one of da most happiest girls alive... who am i to say im sad... I AM SOO HAPPY.. and u kno what i should be. thank you ed. mai happiness derives frum u... x)) Tuesday, August 7, 2001 08:44 p.m. wow.. i haven't written in mai blogger in such a long time.. and u kno what i realize?? i tink this will be one of da last bloggerz i ever write... why? i dunno.. juss sumtin tells me that... but anywhoOo... Leonardo Da vinci said *a life without love is no life at all* i always thought the fuqer had a stick up his ass and was an idiot fer saying so... and i realize.. he's so goddamn rite.... ::tears:: its sorta fuqin scary.. no not scary its weird... im here feeling like shit... but not shit.. i dunno right now im happy but sad at the same time.. one of those weird moments.. ya kno?!?!? grRr... i haf no idea what i juss sed but thats alright.... I think most everyone by now knows dat im head over heels fer ed... u kno what ill give u a teenie glimpse of what im feelin fer him, cuz *head over heelz* i hate idioms. !!! lets see where to start... when the world around me seems to darken and i seem fallible and prone to every goddamn mistake a person is able to make.. he makes me feel.. special... a kind of special dat at that very moment.. at that very second u feel like the worl's pain is fading away in to a whisp of nothing.... i feel like dusk... the birth of every day... where emotions fly with the colors as the color blend in with each other... whenever i see him i kno it. i kno it. And today i recieved a letter from dat one person that can make me feel like that... he gave me da letter and i went to the subway... and i read dat letter over and over fer about 20 times... and i dun realize it until i see da water on the paper.. but i cries... i dun exactly no why but all i remember realli was that it felt like i was suffocating.. it was one of the swtest things i've ever read.. but sumhow it made me feel *blahed* at one point... but still... soOo incredibly happy.. happy to a point where i felt i was glowing that nothing in da world at that very moment can stop me from glowing and shining.... And here i am writing all dis down... running away from what i dun understand... feeling even more blah as i see ed's sn there so easily clickable... and i realize dat all mai friends are talking to him.. and IM not.. and suddenly i feel so fuqed up and beat up.. i feel like i should be talking to him.. not should... want to i reaaaaaaalli want to talk to him... but i dunno... and im scribbling all dis down.. cuz i dunno writing helps me clear sum tings up? i dunno.. ::tears:: even with all dis confusion.. da one thing im sure about... ed is great.... ~with all mai luv.. to everyone.. -Liz- Sunday, July 8, 2001, 03:59 p.m. NOTHING IN MAI BLOGGER SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!! Sunday, June 24, 2001, 11:48 PM grRr i mean this is mai most inner thoughts so y not rite? ok.. so sunna has a blogger too rite.. ? grRr i mean she has everything that i have on mai site.. and i made those extra things to be special ya know? and now that im not special it sorta pisses me off... because u kno sarah asked me when she wanted to use mai chookie layout.. but sunna she didn't ask or anything i dunno.. i juss sorta thought that i had it well publicized it first amongst our group and it isn't fair... i mean i shoudl get sum credit.. now that im not special anymore... grRr.. i mean look at our sites.. ME and sunnas i mean they aren't the same layout but the same content ya kno?? and it pisses me off juss a teenie lil bit... but im makine chooking v2 at sphosting.... because i can't stand envy anymore.. I'M VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY Motivated to make dis a realli hard site to make.. so it will take quite sum time.. ^^;; o wellz da one and only me.. -Liz IM FUCKIN PISSED.. God fucking damn it.. im so fucking pissed damn it.. i am fucking tired.. and i want to fucking talk to ed... i like him so fucking much.. and u kno what.. this is the first fucking nite that i haven't talked to him fer more den a fucking hour.. and mai fucking aim isn't working so im using fuckim aim express.. which fucking pisses me off... and u kno what.. i dun wanna u se fucking aol.. god fucking damn it.. i want to talk to that fucking mother fucker that can make me feel so happy one second and another fucking second make me feel like fucking shit.. i hate when i fucking feel like dis.. cuz it pisses me off and annoys the fucking fuck outta me.. damn it.. fuck fuck fuck .. damn damn damn damn... fuck fuck fuck.. and u kno what...i like him so fucking much it tears me the fuck apart... and u kno fucking what? i dunno what fucking what.. i haven't been dis fucking insecure since fucking like fifty fucking years ago... i haven't cursed dis fucking much.. since i fucking dunno when... and u kno what? I FUCKING DUNNO.. im fucking confoosed and fucking tired and fucking longing to talk to that motha fucka that makes me feel like total fucking crap and once he IMS me i feel like im in fucking heaven... what the fuck it wrong with me??? UR FUCKING FREND LIZ i dun understand what did i do? ::tears:: i like him soOo much... and i juss want to have him as a friend juss grrrr... arghz y... i mean we used to have 1-5 hour convos and now thirty second convos while he talks to mai friends?!?! ::tears:: and da fact that ::tears:: grrr... arghz this is so frustrating that now i juss block him sumtimes so fer menot to feel like shit when our covo ends thiry seconds later... but then agen i put him back on mai allow list because iwant him to Im me... i want to kno that he still notices im on or im off... so here i am waiting to be Imed.. and waiting... juss waiting. i own this pile of shit called love. I won this shit called hate... i own this shit called peace.. and by friggin goly all three are the same to me... They all hurt.. hurt so much... it immobilizes me... ::Tears:: god damn this.. grrrr... im running outta things to talk aboutwith *sum1* now whenever i run outta things and i feel that things are becoming awkward i say i haveta go and block him.. when i dun.. but ::tears:: wut should i do? i mean grrrrr..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... arrrrrghies.. what to do what to do.......... i juss am not a great conversationalist.. gerrrr.. i wish i had margaret's conversation skillz.. ::tears:: grrrrrr.. GRRrrrrrrr y god... please tell me... Y?!?!? i mean considering that i tried.. i mean its not mai fault that im nervous around *sum1* right? no its absolutely not mai fault.. than why isn't this *sum1* talking to me n e more when *sum1* used to?? huh? grrrrr... arghs... y? y? y? I DUNNNOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo.. i mean ::tears:: grrr... grr.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... arrrghz... y? y? y? ::tears:: i mean is it so hard fer god to keep mai friendship with *sum1*? did i realli do sumtin that wrong? did i realli do sumtin that made *sum1* tink that im weird? grrrrr............................... AUGH! arghz.. dis is realli pissing me off! considering that im not talking to *sum1* and *sum1* is and arghz... and that *sum1* is trying to make me jealous or sumtin because all dis *sum1* talks about is what this *sum1* is talking about with the other *sum1* which is not cool! augh and dis *sum1* knows i want to talk to ther other *sum1* and yet dis *sum1* still rubs it in mai face that im not!UGH! well then.. o dear. so here i am.. juss sitting here being extremely bored. but for sum reason i find maiself looking over at *sum1*'s sn... i feel so uncomfortable IMing him first. cuz i tink maybe im botherin him.. so i wait until he IMs me.. and here i am juss staring at mai bl.. quite interesting.... i c his sn and i get butterflies.. what an interesting thought. don't ya think. yes i think. do i think i am very sad? yes i do. y? because im head over heals fer a guy no even that great looking but amazingly swt. well.. y don't u juss tell him? that i did. but of course he has a g/f i mean which truthfully doesn't bother me at all... y? because he's happy. then y the hell am i acting upsessed? why can't i get over him? why can't i get mai act together? huh? huh? and then silence evaded the room. heh... ^^;; well then.. o dear. so here i am.. juss sitting here being extremely bored. but for sum reason i find maiself looking over at *sum1*'s sn... i feel so uncomfortable IMing him first. cuz i tink maybe im botherin him.. so i wait until he IMs me.. and here i am juss staring at mai bl.. quite interesting.... i c his sn and i get butterflies.. what an interesting thought. don't ya think. yes i think. do i think i am very sad? yes i do. y? because im head over heals fer a guy no even that great looking but amazingly swt. well.. y don't u juss tell him? that i did. but of course he has a g/f i mean which truthfully doesn't bother me at all... y? because he's happy. then y the hell am i acting upsessed? why can't i get over him? why can't i get mai act together? huh? huh? and then silence evaded the room. heh... ^^;; .alone. here i am.. alone in the dark scribbling sumtin down on a piece of paper. i tink im doin korean school homework im not sure, but all i do kno is that its dark. The grey and black eat away at my white walls, and here i am doing korean school homework. Why do i do korean school homework? i don't know. its stupid. its useless. but then agen im stupid. im useless... i guess thats why my mother decided that i should go to korean school. this is not a very interesting blog. but o well.. ill think of better things to talk about. it is realli amazing how u can think about so much in a corner... what is a corner anywayz? its just two endless pieces of white interescting to make a right triangle. intersecting... interesting... mai life is dat endless piece of white... i wunder when it will intersect with another piece of white.... ::sighz:: o well... gotta write sum stupid ass diary enteries.... o yea can sum1 tell me why i made both a blogger and a journal? im dumb.